Notes on passing time on a 747 as you endure a 13 1/2-hour flight to China:
First, start the day with a three-hour flight delay due to "slight damage" to the plane. Contemplate asking the customer service representative for a bright, shiny new plane.
Board the aircraft and take your fortunate seat in business class next to "Dave", a sinister looking guy with an odd mustache who says he's from Washington, D.C. and works in "research". Immediately peg him as an undercover CIA agent.
Learn Dave is a veteran Chinese trip taker, speaks Mandarin and knows tons about the local political climate. Decide living without knowledge about peasant unrest is preferable and turn the conversation toward the upcoming 2008 Olympics in Beijing. Notice Dave yawning and feel grateful when he reclines to nap.
Review helpful conversational phrases in your travel book on China. Commit translation of "I need a bathroom" to memory, then reward yourself with a pack of Ritz Cheese Crackers. Have the flight attendant bring you a Diet Coke to wash them down with. Pour your drink in the very small ice-filled glass, sucking violently (and unsuccessfully) as the erupting fizz forms a pool of liquid on the CIA agent's leather jacket. Dab at the mess with a previously used Kleenex. Look surprised and smile when Dave briefly opens his eyes and moans.
Pick up the info card on the features of a Boeing 747 and decide to educate yourself about the aircraft. Read two paragraphs before realizing you'd rather not focus on safety procedures in the event of an actual emergency.
Finish a book on a drag queen's futile love affair in New York City. Think about crying at the end, but hold it together to "save face".
Watch an episode of "That's So Raven" on The Disney Channel. Feel ashamed.
Watch the "Prairie Home Companion" movie. Decide it would have played better on radio.
Head to the bathroom for the 7th time in two hours, feeling the need to brush your teeth with the new toothbrush and mini-tube of toothpaste in your drawstring goody bag. Accidentally throw away the brush and paste while disposing of your paper towel. Try retrieving the freebies by reaching far down into the trash bin. Feel something mushy. Wash hands twice with hot water.
Vault over the CIA agent's outstretched legs when returning to your seat, accidentally stepping on his right calf. When he awakens, pretend you're sleep walking.
Fill out multiple claims and customs forms. Struggle over whether "surname" is your first or last name. Decide against waking Dave for help.
While walking around the plane to revive your numbing legs, notice a flight attendant eating a bag of grapes. Find this inexplicably unnerving.
Go to bathroom for 8th time and decide to use "fresh face spritzer" to revitalize your drying skin. Say "shit" out loud when it burns your eyes.
Notice a big zit at the base of your nose. Worry that it's actually a cancerous growth and picture yourself recovering in a third world hospital.
Obsessively check location of passport.
Read more in your travel book on China. Wonder silently if it's too late to learn to love Peoria.
Greet your driver, Mr. Mu, at the Beijing airport and fret over the correct pronunciation of his name. Moo, like a cow, or mew, like a kitten? Decide on the kitten option.
Realize Mr. Mu speaks no English when he says "Yes" after every word you say.
Decide "Do you live in Beijing?" means "play with radio dial and heating and air conditioning controls".
And, so, the adventure begins ...
