No Place Like Home

Terracotta Warriors, a Wine Garage and The Largest Plaza in the World!

It’s been more than a month since I blogged. You might say I haven’t had the stomach for it. For about three and a half weeks, some type of bug or virus or parasite or “something” left me with a constant queasy feeling. I lost several pounds and even avoided (gulp) chocolate. Two rounds of antibiotics and two other prescriptions didn’t help, but it eventually went away on its own. I think I’m all better now. How do I know? I just finished eating my fourth chocolate chip cookie, and I want another one.

I haven’t spent all my time guzzling Pepto Bismo; I’ve actually done a little traveling. Weekend before last I went to see the Terracotta Army near Xi’an, China, which is located southwest of Beijing in central China. Described as one of the most significant archaeological finds of the 20th Century, the collection of 8,099 life-size Chinese terracotta figures of warriors and horses is located near the mausoleum of the First Emperor of China – Qin Shi Huangdi. They were buried with the emperor in 209 B.C. so he could rule over another empire in the afterlife, and remained undiscovered until 1974 when they were unearthed by local farmers digging a well during a severe drought. Historians estimate construction of the figures and mausoleum took 700,000 workers and craftsmen 38 years to complete. One of the most impressive things about the warriors is they each have distinctive facial features. Apparently, they were modeled after real people -- most likely the very slaves who helped build them. (You can see a few photos of them in my blog’s photo album, but you really have to see them in person to get the full effect. Trust me!)

The following week I traveled to Singapore to work on a communications project. The weather was warm and sunny, but not as humid as usual in this tropical island city-state. In addition to getting a lot of work done, I had a great time! One of the highlights of the trip was a long, enjoyable dinner with friends at The Wine Garage, a pleasant little café overlooking the Singapore River on Clark Quay (pronounced “Key”).

A former British colony, Singapore gained independence in 1965. While it’s the smallest country in
Southeast Asia at only 269 square miles, it has the highest quality of living and ranks as the 22nd wealthiest nation on earth. Not bad for a country with only 4.5 million people!

Last weekend, I made my first trip to Tiananmen Square, the large plaza near the center of Beijing, China, named after the Tiananmen (literally, Gate of Heavenly Peace) which sits to its north, separating it from the Forbidden City. I didn’t take a tour or anything, I just wanted to get the “lay of the land”, so to speak. And there was plenty of land to cover. According to Wikipedia (again, my favorite online encyclopedia), the square is 880 metres south to north and 500 metres east to west, a total area of 440,000 square meters, which makes it the largest open-urban square in the world. There are photos on my blog photo album.  Check them out! (By the way, the soldiers picture at the beginning of this post were guarding the gate to the Forbidden City. I didn't steal anything. Promise!)

Tiananmen Square has great cultural significance as a symbol because it was the site of several key events in Chinese history, but, like me, you probably know it for the Tiananmen Square student protests of 1989. Not surprisingly, you won't find any mention of that event.

I have two trips scheduled next month – one to Chicago for a work-related conference and one to Seoul, South Korea just for fun. (Can you say “frequent flyer miles”?)

I’ll to be more faithful to my blog.  Let me hear from you!!!

Malaysian Melancholy

I left Beijing last week for a six-day vacation in Malaysia. My mission, and I chose to accept it, was twofold:

1. escape the war zone also known as "Chinese New Year"
2. maintain an intense focus on the three "Rs" -- reading, rest and relaxation

Mission accomplished. Though I must admit, the heat and humidity in my holiday destination did produce enough perspiration to make me fully embrace the Year of the Pig.

Located on the north-west coast of the island of Borneo, Kota Kinabalu is the capital of the Malaysian state of Sabah. A tourist haven with a small-town feel, KK is home to half a million people, making it Malaysia's sixth largest city. It faces the South China Sea with Mount Kinabalu in the background, rising 13,435 feet above sea level.

My hotel was a nice beach resort run by the Shangri-La chain. I became well acquainted with the pool and spa, did a little shopping at the local market, and also took a ferry to a nearby island for an enjoyable afternoon on a crystal clear beach. I also took nap after nap after nap. The lazy, laid back atmosphere was just what I needed, but I soon morphed into a melancholy state that stayed with me throughout the trip. Maybe it was the lonely sunsets. Maybe it was the sound of the water lapping against the pier. Maybe it was the three margaritas I had before lunch. Whose to say?

Anyway, after more rest than anyone really deserves, I caught a flight to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia's capital and the largest city (pop. approx. 2 million). My tour of the city included a stop at Independence Square, where the Federation of Malaya gained its independence from British rule in 1957. I soon learned the colorful banners around town were not erected as my welcome greetings, but were instead marking the celebration of the nation's Golden Anniversary. I also visited a leather factory (avoid sharkskin wallets), a chocolate factory (eat samples of everything, including the chocolate covered chilis) and a pewter factory (opt for a medium-sized vase after successfully talking the sales lady into reducing the price by 50 percent). There was also a brief stop at the King's Palace. His majesty wasn't accepting visitors, so I only got a photo of the front gate with a very bored guard in front.  He didn't look very menacing, but he was very well dressed. Great for photo ops. We also went by the Petronas Twin Towers, once the world's tallest buildings and still hyped as the largest "twin buildings". The 88-floor towers are constructed largely of reinforced concrete, with a steel and glass facade designed to resemble motifs found in Islamic art, a reflection of Malaysia's Muslim religion. Speaking of religion, about 60 percent of the population are Muslims, 30 percent Chinese (atheist or Buddhist), 9 percent Hindu (mostly Indians) and 1 percent other, including a sprinkling of Christians. (No disrespect to my Methodist friends.) In its short 50-year history, the different groups have gotten along fairly well, and you're just as likely to find women wearing Birkenstocks as Burkas. The final tour stop was a Hindu temple at a place called Batuk Caves. The mountain top cave literally used to be filled with bats, so I'm not sure whey the Hindus decided it would make a great place for worship, but,who am I to judge? With all the tourists milling about, though, the bats left town, leaving the cave to some very colorful Hindu sculptures and a group of very well-fed monkeys.

All in all, it was an OK trip. Good, but not great. Fun, but not fantastic. Melancholy but not morose. You can take a cyber-holiday of your own by checking out my photo album on the left hand menu.

After that, get back to work.  It's time.

Like Clockwork

I can sum up my two-day visit to Tokyo in two words -- like clockwork. Seems everything in Japan's largest city runs on time -- the buses, the airlines, even hotel room service. (Call for an extra towel at 4:47 p.m. and the front desk operator says one will be delivered to my room in five minutes. At 4:52 on the dot, there is a knock on the door.)

At first, it's reassuring -- service you can actually count on. Soon, though, it gets a little uncomfortable. For instance, the following day a business colleague and I were supposed to leave the Tokyo office at 3:30 p.m. in order to catch a return flight home to China. At 3:15, our Japanese host was asking if our briefcases were packed and ready to go. At 3:20, she offered to escort us to the front door. At 3:23, she nervously mentioned the driver was waiting. At 3:27, after I mentioned that I needed to visit the restroom before departing, she actually broke into a cold sweat.

I realize we can learn a lot from the Japanese. Their production systems, e.g. "The Toyota Way", are world-class. But do we really want to be THAT punctual? Are we ready to give up the option of sleeping in without putting it on our calendars?

Perhaps I'm being unfair. After all, I was there less than 48 hours. (47 hours, 13  minutes, and 9 seconds, to be exact.)

Besides business meetings, I did have a couple hours to walk around, snap a few photos (see album on the left menu), and have the most expensive dinner of my life. (Note to self: If a concierge at a five-star hotel your company is paying for recommends an authentic Japanese restaurant, think "second mortgage".) How was I to know a little raw fish, semi-cooked beef, assorted grilled veggies and a bowl of an oddly favored (yet yummy) potato soup would leave my co-worker and me $500 poorer. OK, we did split a bottle of French wine, too. But come on...$500? In the words of Ricky Ricardo, we had some "splaining" to do with our bosses.

I'm back in Beijing now and no longer burdened with order and timeliness. As all my American friends here are fond of saying: "Anything is possible in China, but nothing is easy."

It's good to be home.

Walnuts and Korean Noodles Before a Trip to Japan

My life has been a little bit nuts lately ... more like black walnuts than honey-roasted pecans ... more bitter than sweet. Of course, I'm totally thankful to have this opportunity to work in an international city, learn about another culture, travel around Asia...blah, blah, blah. But I never knew I'd be working 12 to 14 hours a day Monday-Friday and four to six hours a day on the weekends. I'm middle-aged for God's sake. Isn't this my time to be more "strategic" and tell others what to do?  How am I supposed to plan employee meetings, consult on two mergers and acquisitions, write meaningful communications for my VP, put together a global newsletter, and see that a Safety Expectation Guide is translated into four languages all in the same week? I'm 44. My idea of multi-tasking is eating chips AND dip.

After struggling out the office door tonight a little after 7, I collapsed into the back seat of my company car and let out a long, wistful sigh. My driver took one look at me and said: "Mr. Chip, you very busy. Too much you work. You cough lot. Not good. Sick. Family you have no here. I take you tonight eat ... OK?"

Knowing I had a 9 p.m. work-related teleconference and not feeling very chatty, I really just wanted to go home, eat a PB&J and veg on the couch for a bit. But, his concern was so genuine, I couldn't say no. I'm glad I didn't. He took me to a Korean restaurant where I had an incredible beef, vegetable and noodle dish, some type of seaweed salad that was actually very tasty, and a really good Chinese beer. To top it off the waitress brought me a cup of Cafe Americano courtesy of the house. And even though he probably makes 10 percent of my salary, my driver insisted on paying. Despite my vehement protests, he simply wouldn't take no for an answer. "It's nothing," he said. "I am your driver. We like family." I almost cried.

On the way home, I began to feel guilty about being so frustrated about my workload. In so many ways, I have it soooooo good here. My mood began to lift. Back in my apartment, I even hummed a little as I packed for my two-day business trip to Japan. (I leave tomorrow.) Then I dialed into an hour-long teleconference with managers from India, China, the U.S. and Singapore debating some annoying issue I didn't really care about or understand. As I hung up the phone ... walnuts, all over again.

Christmas Sun, New Year's Snow

Before I even moved to China, I began getting e-mails from my American co-workers telling me I needed to plan my Christmas holiday. All of them were either returning to the U.S. or going to some exotic location like Vietnam, Hainan Island (China's Hawaii) or the Great Barrier Reef off Australia. Everyone told me I shouldn't spend Christmas alone in a cold and gray Beijing.

Having said goodbye to my American friends and family at Thanksgiving, and not wanting to get readjusted to a totally different time zone again, I decided against a return home and opted for an Asian Christmas. Friends recommended that I travel to Phuket, Thailand, a tropical island located 576 miles south of Bangkok on the Indian Ocean. Since the island caters to European and Australian tourists, almost everyone speaks at least a little English, so I figured it would be easy to get around.

It was definitely a good decision. On Dec. 20, I took the 6-hour flight from Beijing to Bangkok on the very friendly Thai Airlines, and then switched to a smaller plane for the 50-minute flight to Phuket. After retrieving my baggage, I made the surprisingly easy trek through customs and walked outside to find my hotel shuttle. A smiling young man with a hastily written "Welcome Mr. Alford" sign took my transfer ticket, introduced me to my almost toothless, but happy driver, and I was on my way. About five minutes into the journey, the driver stopped the van so he could pee on the side of the road. Phuketians, I would learn, have a very relaxed attitude about life. Ah, island living.

My hotel, the Patong Beach Merlin Resort, was very nice. The room was small, but clean and comfortable with a nice balcony overlooking one of the complex's three pools. A free breakfast buffet every morning with every kind of food you can imagine (avoid the buttered rice with squid) was included in my package, but there were also three full-service restaurants and four bars on the premises if I wanted a change of pace. Also on site was an excellent spa where I received a very relaxing hour-long massage the night of my arrival.

On my second day, I took a stroll along a beachside road where I noticed a somewhat disturbing sign: "Tsunami Evacuation Route Starts Here". My friends had warned me that Phuket was one of several Southeast Asian islands ravaged by the 2004 tsunami, but until that moment I had forgotten that thousands of locals and tourists were killed here and property damage soared into the hundreds of millions. Luckily, there wasn't even a big wave while I was in town. But the day after I left, a sizeable earthquake in Taiwan resulted in a tsunami warning across Southeast Asia. Thankfully, it turned out to be a false alarm.

While I planned on spending most of my time relaxing on the beach and by the pools, I did want to see some of the island. So, my travel agent had set me up with two excursions during my stay -- an hour and 15-minute speed boat trip to Phi Phi (pronounced pee pee; no relation to my shuttle driver) and Khai islands for swimming and snorkeling, and an elephant trek through a beautiful mountian forest with some great panoramic views of the island.

I boarded the speed boat at a very nice marina located about a 30-minute jeep ride on the other side of the island. The three-person crew were very friendly and eager that the international group of passengers on board have a great trip. The lone American (me); another single man from Tianjin, China; a young newlywed couple from Australia; a 30-something German couple; and two families from Iraq who now live in Sweden all got along great and had a blast.

The boat trip itself was quite an experience as the water was extremely choppy that day. (Imagine riding a bucking bronco for an hour and 15 minutes.) It was fun, though, and the views were breathtaking. Our first stop was Monkey Island, where some very cute monkeys roamed the beach and local forest. Some locals were selling watermelon slices and bananas which we fed to the obviously well-nourished monkeys. One of the older monkeys even took a Fanta orange drink and guzzled it happily. It's good to be a monkey in Thailand.

Next, we stopped at Maya Beach on Phi Phi Island, where they filmed the movie, "The Beach" with Leonardo di Caprio. I never saw the movie, but the beach was incredibly beautiful. We stopped at a couple of other spots for swimming and snorkeling. The colors of the fish, water and coral were amazing, and even though I swallowed about a gallon of ocean water, it was definitely worth it!

The elephant trek, courtesty of Siam Safari Nature Tours, was an educational and enjoyable experience. My transportation through the tropical forest was provided by Onnwann, a slow but amiable 39-year-old female elephant. While I sat on a somewhat awkward cushioned seat on top of her, my "mahout" (driver) straddled her neck, prodding her along as necessary during our upward journey. The higher we climbed, the more remarkable the view of the island and beach below.

Once we reached our destination -- an elephant camp -- there were shows to entertain us with dancing elephants and clever tree climbing, coconut splitting monkeys. There were also educational presentations on Thai cooking (boy, there are a lot of ingredients in curry), the many uses of a coconut (they provide both shelter and nutrition) and how to tap a rubber tree (never know when that might come in handy). We finished our day enjoying a spicy Thai buffet dinner in a pavilion overlooking the Andaman Sea.

The whole sun and sand holiday really worked for me, but if I had been disappointed about a white-free Christmas, Beijing provided two inches of snow on Dec. 27. Not a bad way to ring in the new year.

Chopsticks, Massage, Ta Gui La, and Lights Out at the Xuzhou Airport

Calls and e-mails from friends and family usually begin or end with the same question, "So, how are you adjusting ... honestly?" Well, other than the adventure of actually getting here (see Dec. 29 posting), surprisingly well. Here's some random thoughts on life in China to date:

THE FOOD:  One word -- incredible! I honestly haven't had a bad meal since I landed in Beijing, as evidenced by my rapidly increasing waist line. I've feasted on Peking roasted duck, mouthwatering Chinese dumplings, spicy Sichuan food (including my favorite, Kung Pao Chicken) and numerous other dishes I can't name or describe properly in words alone. In addition to the excellent Chinese restaurants, I've also enjoyed some great Thai, Indian, Cuban and Italian restaurants. And, I must confess to indulging at Subway and McDonalds now and then. (One must keep the Western palate in tact.) Probably the biggest challenge is learning to use chopsticks. Most restaurants, at least the Chinese ones, don't have forks, knives and spoons on the table, and some don't have them at all. It's a struggle, but I'm getting better at it. I even bought some of my own to practice at home. ;-)

Another interesting thing about eating out in Chinese restaurants is that they serve the food in courses, but in no particular order. So, you might get your main dish first, followed by appetizers and dessert, or vice versa. At one restaurant we were actually paying the check when a a very nice dish of steamed asparagus arrived.

MASSAGE: I've loved massage ever since my oldest sister, Marti, used to give me a quarter to rub her back when I was a kid. So, China is paradise for me. There has to be more massage therapists per capita here than anywhere on earth. There is literally some type of massage studio or spa on every block. Chinese massage, Thai massage (think rocking back and forth while being held in uncomfortable yoga like positions), foot massage, massage with hot stones, and back rakings with bones. Yes, I've tried them all. Almost all have left me totally relaxed and ready for a deep, long sleep. I'm even a VIP member now at Oriental Taipan Spa, which means I get free drinks (great freshly squeezed Pear juice) and food (tasty cucumber salad and warm, steamed dumplings). I may be even more spoiled than usual when I return to the States.

SHOPPING: Those of you who know me well know I've never been much of a shopper, and don't look for that to change. However, I do have to get out now and then and buy a few clothing items, gifts and groceries. They have the traditional malls here, but they are pretty expensive, so most folks go to the local markets. It's much cheaper, but you have to bargain, which, frankly, I suck at. (Remember, I was the one who was going to buy a Saturn just so I wouldn't have to negotiate the price.) Anyway, the typical scenario goes something like this:

Me:  How much is this?
Vendor:  Where are you from?
Me: Does it matter? I want Chinese price!!!
Vendor: 100 RMB (its worth 20 or 30)
Me: Shaking head, "Ta Gui La" (too expensive)
Vendor: How much you give me? (they provide a calculator so I can enter my price)
Me: I enter the number 10
Vendor: OHHHH. NOOO!!!  You kill me. I cannot sale for that. I lose money. You give more. You have much money.
This goes on for 5 or 10 more minutes, but you are never supposed to pay more than 30 or 40 percent of the original price they quoted. If you don't get it for that, you walk away. Usually, they run after you and grab at your sleeve, yelling, "OK, OK, your price, your price." And as they bag it up for you, they add: "You give me 20 more?"

This is shopping in China.

LIGHTS OUT AT THE XUZHOU AIRPORT: Believe it or not, I'm actually doing a little work while I'm over here, and traveling to other Chinese cities is part of the job. My driver (more about him in a later post) recently took me to one of our manufacturing plants in Tianjin, about a 2 1/2 hour drive from Beijing. Not much to see on that excursion except barren, open land between the two major cities. Thankfully, there were a couple of rest stops along the way so I could empty out my pea-sized bladder, which I might add is likely my only body part smaller than a similar organ on a typical Chinese person.

Earlier this week I flew to Xuzhou, one of the most important trading centers between Northern and Southern China. Located in Province of Jiangsu between Beijing and Shanghai, Xuzhou is regarded as a small city as it boasts a population of only 1 million. There are two options for getting there from Beijing, a 9-hour overnight train ride, or an 85 minute flight. I opted for the latter timesaving option via Hainan Airlines.

There is only one flight from Beijing to Xuzhou each day, and it leaves at 8:30 p.m., if it leaves at all. Locals told me to count on the departure being at least an hour late, which it was. My company was to have a car and driver waiting on me outside the airport upon my arrival. Unfortunately, when I exited the airport, there was nothing but a tour bus (for a group of Korean visitors) and a row of six or eight taxis. After looking through my itinerary, I noticed I had failed to write down the name and number of my local company contact there, but did find a number for my hotel. I called to see if they might know where my driver was, but mostly they just said "Ni hao" (hello) and "Yes" a lot.

About that time, the lights were turned off at the Xuzhou Airport. I don't mean just a few -- all of them. So, I was literally standing in the dark without a clue. Realizing my predicament, a group of taxi drivers walked up to me and started talking frantically in Chinese. I wasn't sure if they wanted to help me or take me to a small landing strip in back and run over me with a very large plane.

Finally, I managed to communicate enough to the hotel clerk on the phone to get her to tell one of the drivers how to take me to the hotel. Most of the 45-minute trip was on a very dark road with no street lamps. We passed a couple of hay-loaded trailers with no headlights or taillights, people riding bikes (in below freezing weather), and a few brave walkers.

Eventually, I got there and the hotel was incredible -- no less than five stars. I got to my room and went straight to bed. In the middle of the night, however, I woke up shivering. I called the front desk to inform them my heat must not be working. The very polite clerk explained the central heat was turned way down between 2-5 a.m. to save money. Five minutes later, someone knocked on my door to deliver another down comforter. I was annoyed for a while until I remembered those lonely looking folks walking along the dark, frozen highway. Ashamed, I thanked my lucky Western stars, rolled over on my queen-sized bed and went fast to sleep.

Four Weeks, Three Countries

I haven’t blogged in over a month, partly because I’ve been lazy, but also because I’m suffering from a little bit of cultural overexposure. I’ve only been in Asia a little over four weeks, but I’ve already visited three countries: 1) China, my new home 2) Singapore, for business meetings, and 3) Thailand, for a Christmas vacation. Overall, things have gone very smoothly, except for the 36-hour odyssey also known as my final move from Peoria to Beijing.

A light rain in Illinois on the day of my departure turned into a major band of thunderstorms, which delayed my flight from Peoria to Chicago for two and a half hours, which in turn made me miss my connection in Chicago to Beijing. That flight, offered by my least favorite airline (United) was actually one of the few flights that took off on time that day. It didn’t get any better.

After standing in the customer service line for one and a half hours, I managed to get rerouted to Beijing through Las Vegas and Los Angeles, the first leg via United and the final journey courtesy of Air China. Of course, the flight didn’t leave for six hours. After waiting four, I learned the flight was being canceled, but a flight using the same route would leave only two hours later, and United (aka “Satan”) would gladly put me on standby.

I actually made it on board and safely landed in Las Vegas, only to learn the flight crew was reconsidering whether to fly on to Los Angeles – for what reason, I have no idea, as the skies were perfectly clear in the gambling capital of America. Finally, we took off for California, and after landing at LAX with 30 minutes to spare, I ran to the Air China gate. There, a rather confused customer service rep told me it was impossible to board because I had no paper ticket, only a boarding pass. (Apparently, United, aka “The Beast”, had not given me the necessary documentation needed when transferring to a partner Airline.)

I’m not usually one to make scenes. But, I begged, I cajoled, I yelled, I asked for a manager, I asked for the manager’s manager, etc. After 20 minutes of this, they sold me another ticket and let me on the plane. I was the last one to board and was directed to a window seat near the back of the plane with enough leg room for a small toddler to sit comfortably for a 13-hour flight. My carry on bag was placed conveniently at the front of the plane, since all the other overhead bins were full.

Thankfully, I slept for a full 15 minutes, so I only had 12 hours and 45 minutes to kill by watching Chinese movies and reading my books and magazines. After landing in Beijing, I went to the front of the plane to retrieve my carry on bag, which contained my computer, passport and Chinese entry visa. Of course, it was missing. After a thorough 15-minute top to bottom search of the plane by a crazed American passenger (me) and a somewhat alarmed crew of flight attendants, I was directed to the customer service desk to file a lost item report. (At least it wasn’t United customer service.) However, shortly before I reached the desk, a flight attendant rushed towards me waving her hands wildly and yelling “Sir, Sir, your friend has, your friend has.” After explaining I was traveling alone, the frustrated young woman said, “No, man in blue shirt. Your friend. He has. He take for you.”

After finally glimpsing the man she was referring to – an overweight and rather odd looking American – I noticed he was carrying a bag that looked awfully similar to mine. I approached him, and asked him if that was his bag. He answered simply “No” and looked away. I said, “Well, it looks very much like mine. Can I look at it?” He said, “Your bag? Oh, I thought it was my seat mate’s, so I was bringing it to him. So sorry.” Thankfully, my arrival has been the most difficult part of my adventure to date. Stay tuned for more updates.

As Time Goes By

Notes on passing time on a 747 as you endure a 13 1/2-hour flight to China:

First, start the day with a three-hour flight delay due to "slight damage" to the plane. Contemplate asking the customer service representative for a bright, shiny new plane.

Board the aircraft and take your fortunate seat in business class next to "Dave", a sinister looking guy with an odd mustache who says he's from Washington, D.C. and works in "research". Immediately peg him as an undercover CIA agent.

Learn Dave is a veteran Chinese trip taker, speaks Mandarin and knows tons about the local political climate. Decide living without knowledge about peasant unrest is preferable and turn the conversation toward the upcoming 2008 Olympics in Beijing. Notice Dave yawning and feel grateful when he reclines to nap.

Review helpful conversational phrases in your travel book on China. Commit translation of "I need a bathroom" to memory, then reward yourself with a pack of Ritz Cheese Crackers. Have the flight attendant bring you a Diet Coke to wash them down with. Pour your drink in the very small ice-filled glass, sucking violently (and unsuccessfully) as the erupting fizz forms a pool of liquid on the CIA agent's leather jacket. Dab at the mess with a previously used Kleenex. Look surprised and smile when Dave briefly opens his eyes and moans.

Pick up the info card on the features of a Boeing 747 and decide to educate yourself about the aircraft. Read two paragraphs before realizing you'd rather not focus on safety procedures in the event of an actual emergency.

Finish a book on a drag queen's futile love affair in New York City. Think about crying at the end, but hold it together to "save face".

Watch an episode of "That's So Raven" on The Disney Channel. Feel ashamed.

Watch the "Prairie Home Companion" movie. Decide it would have played better on radio.

Head to the bathroom for the 7th time in two hours, feeling the need to brush your teeth with the new toothbrush and mini-tube of toothpaste in your drawstring goody bag. Accidentally throw away the brush and paste while disposing of your paper towel. Try retrieving the freebies by reaching far down into the trash bin.  Feel something mushy.  Wash hands twice with hot water.

Vault over the CIA agent's outstretched legs when returning to your seat, accidentally stepping on his right calf. When he awakens, pretend you're sleep walking.

Fill out multiple claims and customs forms. Struggle over whether "surname" is your first or last name. Decide against waking Dave for help.

While walking around the plane to revive your numbing legs, notice a flight attendant eating a bag of grapes. Find this inexplicably unnerving.

Go to bathroom for 8th time and decide to use "fresh face spritzer" to revitalize your drying skin. Say "shit" out loud when it burns your eyes.

Notice a big zit at the base of your nose. Worry that it's actually a cancerous growth and picture yourself recovering in a third world hospital.

Obsessively check location of passport.

Read more in your travel book on China. Wonder silently if it's too late to learn to love Peoria.

Greet your driver, Mr. Mu, at the Beijing airport and fret over the correct pronunciation of his name. Moo, like a cow, or mew, like a kitten? Decide on the kitten option.

Realize Mr. Mu speaks no English when he says "Yes" after every word you say.

Decide "Do you live in Beijing?" means "play with radio dial and heating and air conditioning controls".

And, so, the adventure begins ...

A World of Difference

1.35 billion people -- one fifth of the world's total population. 3.7 million square miles in size. A Communist state. The People's Republic of China. My new home.

Yep, by the end of this year I'll be heading east ... Far East. It's a work-related move, and I'm really excited about the opportunity and challenge. I've always been interested in other cultures, but I have to admit this Alabama boy never dreamed he'd be living outside the U.S. mainland.

I'll take up roots in the capital, Beijing (formerly known as Peking), a sprawling metropolis that is home to 14 million people. 

Anybody wanna help me pack?